As I sat at the park, I allowed myself to just feel what I was feeling. I allowed the sadness to come over me and to feel it to it's fullest. During this time of reflection I started inspecting why I felt the way I felt.
I realized I was afraid, afraid of spending my life spinning my wheels, being alone and ultimately lonely. I think MANY people feel this same way, they want to be loved and to know they are important. Not important to the world but important to someone. I think you know what I mean, I want to know I've made a difference to someone & they make a difference to me too.
Now I know many people will want to reassure me that I am loved & and they love me. I thank you for that, and know you do. (I love hearing it though, so feel free to express away)
I also realized through a conversation with a loved friend, that I've never been comfortable in my life. I have lived many life times in my few years on this earth, and have MANY happy memories from these times.
What I realized though was at the root of this trip is an element of running away. I hid that fact from myself, I knew I'd created this trip to see loved ones & to see the country. I know many people are inspired by what I'm doing. It has felt inauthentic on so many levels and I didn't even realize it.
It was this inauthenticity that was propelling my sadness. People telling me I was doing something great when it didn't feel great to me. I know being "on the road" for over 2 months isn't something everyone could or would do. To me it felt normal almost "everyday" even. All because I was doing what I've always done retreating or running away.
The great thing about knowing I can let my past go and create my future at any moment is I have the power while here on the trip to "start again" and to create what I really want from this trip.
I will be continuing on my trip, I'm still dedicated to seeing all my loved ones.... And the bonus is getting to see all 48 states... AND I am still planning on taking a year. I also look forward to more self discovery & the trials this type of journey creates.
I want you to know, my loved ones, I will be relying on you to support me, to challenge me, to be my sounding boards as I am going through this.
Since I believe we are all connected and as I'm going through this journey, you are also going with me. I need and want your feed back.... this is one way I know we will all grow through this experience.
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The picture (supports my belief of us all being connected) below is from NYC Times Square, these are the wishes and dreams people have for the new year... and I see many of my own dreams reflected in theirs.
Glad you made that realization. I know it's not easy and the hardest part may be when you get back home and hit reality full force.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are able to go on this trip (in more ways than one) and pray that you make many more self-discoveries along the way. Just remember not to leave God out of the picture. You're on this trip for a reason.
The causes for where we both are now may be different in several aspects but, at the core is the realization of yourself, who you are, what you want (and where) several years from now. I'm also glad that you are able to let yourself feel.... Lots of people don't and are too scared to so bravo for you!
So, travel on and don't forget to smell the flowers along the way.
Love ya!
Carrie
I'm happy you made a realization, I think that's exactly what you were looking for. And I'm jealous you have the freedom to do what you need to do.
ReplyDeleteI think we all run from ourselves from time to time but it's rare that we realize it. You will have such a great time on this journey and come out of it with a new perspective. I continue to enjoy hearing about your travels and can't wait to see you very soon!
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